Our last week with the girls

The next day and week was a blur of nurses, doctors, lab tests and visitors.  We found out that I had an infection that they believed might have caused the premature labor.  They were treating the infection with antibiotics and my white count came down, but never went back to normal.  After the birth, my doctor told us that one of the girls might have been making too much fluid which could have also led to the premature labor.  We still have no answers.  I had to lay in the bed without getting up to even use the restroom for at least two weeks for our girls to have the best chance for surival.  They could give me steroids to help their lungs grow, but there was no point in getting them until I was closer to 24 weeks.  I was 21 weeks 3 days when I went in.  My doctor came in on Thanksgiving, he told us that there was little chance of hanging on for 2 weeks.  I appreciated his honesty, but I serve a big God that can move mountains.  As the days went on, it got harder and harder to stay in the bed.  My hips were extremely sore from having to lay on my side and I hurt so bad from needing to have a bowel movement.  A little TMI here, but my last bm was on Wednesday.  By Saturday, I was in pain.  We discussed an enema, but they wanted to wait on my doctor to make the decision on Monday.  On Saturday night I asked the nurse to check my discharge because it felt like more than it had been and it was more watery.  When she left with the test, I knew something was wrong.  Another nurse came in to tell me that it was indeed amniotic fluid, but that there was still hope.  It was almost a week and it was just trickling.  I could still make it.  The on call doctor came in the next morning and told us that we needed to start making some decisions just in case.  What kind of delivery did I want.  A C-section might give us a little more time with the girls, but they couldn't do a traditional C because of the girls' size.  The "old-school" C would take a toll on my body and could change future pregnancies.  At that moment, I wasn't thinking of future pregnancies.  We were going to save these girls and we wouldn't need future pregnancies.  The next question was hard for him to even get out.  When the girls were born, did we want to resuscitate them?  Wow!  You really have to make that decision??  He very nicely explained that at 22 weeks, if we decided to resuscitate them they might make it a few more hours, but they would be in a lot of pain.  He said he would be back in the afternoon to hear our decisions.  We texted and posted on facebook that we didn't want visitors so that we could make some decisions.  We had more visitors that day than anyother day in the hospital.  The doctor came back late in the afternoon and we told him that I wanted a C-section.  I didn't care what it did to my body, I wanted to give our girls the best chance for survival.  I don't think we ever discussed the question of resuscitation again.  If we did, it is all a blur to me.  Within 15 minutes of the doctor leaving, our lives changed forever.  I told my husband that I couldn't wait any longer to have a bm.  I asked him to help me roll over to see if I could get things going.  As soon as I rolled over, my "trickle" changed.  I felt a gush and immediately called for the nurse.  She checked and said that the bag had broken and I had my bloody show.  She left the room and my husband hit his knees.  Holding on to my stomach, he prayed.  I remember him asking God for mercy and telling Him that we would praise Him in this storm.  The decision to roll over is something that I still struggle with.  They had been encouraging me to roll over the entire time, but I tried not to move as much as possible.  I still wonder how things might be different if I had not moved..  The doctor came in a few minutes later and told us that it was too late for a C-section.  Claire was about 2 inches from being out.  He told us that it could take 10 minutes or a few hours, but that we were about to have the girls.  He didn't want to "play God" so he decided to just let things happen naturally.  They gave us time to be alone and the rest of the night is mostly a blur.  We had an amazing nurse S and she asked if I wanted her to stay or go.  I asked her to stay because I was scared.  I tried pushing several times with the large contractions, but Claire made no progress.  She finally told me that I should get some sleep.  I slept on and off during the night.  By 7 the next morning I had been in labor for 14 hours and I knew there was little chance that our girls were going to make it.  My doctor came in and I told him that I didn't want to prolong this any longer.  They turned off the mag and at 7:49 I gave birth to Claire.  Sophia was born at 7:51.  They didn't make it through the long birth.  They cleaned the girls up and we were able to hold them.  I will never forget how small, yet beautiful they were.  They look just like my husband.  I think God gave me that so that I can see them everyday.  I had finally asked for an epidural sometime late the night before or early that morning.  I can't even remember which one.  Everything after that happened so fast.  Apparently after the birth I hemmoraged.  Not only did we have that to deal with, but all of the placentas did not come out and I needed a D&C.  I thought since I gave birth to the girls that I would get out of a D&C this time.  I went back to surgery and as they started surgery, they started the blood transfusion.  They told us when I went back that I would need two units of blood.  I ended up taking 4 units and a unit of plasma. Because of the blood transfusion, I had to stay an extra two days.  I was ready to go home, but I was later thankful because it gave us extra time with our girls.  Photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came and took family pictures of us and our girls.  I will cherish these precious pictures forever.  A lady also came that put the girls footprints on crosses.  I can't wait to get these back.  I can't say enough about the nurses at our hospital.  They are truly kind and compassionate people.  I have never before cried when telling a nurse goodbye.  We were able to go home on Wednesday.  We meet with the funeral home on Thursday.  Meeting with the funeral home about your children is not something you ever expect to do at 29 years old.  We had our girls buried on Friday.  Again, nothing you ever expect to have to do.  We were in shock when we saw the casket.  We knew how small our girls were, but seeing the casket really put things in perspective.  My husband and I were the only ones there when the girls were buried.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.  After the burial, we drove up to a mountain where we use to spend time while we were dating.  What are you suppose to do on the day that you bury your children?