"I'm glad you finally got out."

"I'm glad you finally got out."  That is actually what a friend said to me today.  I know she might have not meant it the way it came out, but it really stung me.  It has only been a week since I gave birth to and buried my daughters.  I don't think it is bad to not want to leave my house for one week after I bury my children.  I did want to try to get out today though.  I have my post opp appointment next week and I am determined to take baskets to the nurses in L&D and gifts for the three nurses that we had a personal connection with.  In some way, it makes me feel better to do something for the ladies that took care of me and my girls.  I feel like these ladies gave me some precious extra days with them.  They even brought down a portable sonogram machine so that we could see them twice in the week we were there.  Through this they gave one of the most precious memories of the girls.  During one of these last sonograms, Sophia had the hiccups.  It was the cutest thing and something that we will forever cherish. I knew shortly after I left yesterday that I should have just stayed at home.  I am not allowed to drive for two weeks, so I asked my mom to drive me.  Nothing seemed to be going right.  We went to Wal-mart to print my pictures and my neice was hungry.  We went over to the baby isle and got her a snack.  Not my favorite place in the store right now.  When we got to the photo center, we were informed that the instant printer was out and I was welcome to leave them to be printed.   I had an anxiety attack right there in the middle of the store.   I wanted the pictures of my girls, but there was no way I was leaving their pictures with a stranger.  I didn't want anyone seeing them and I also didn't want someone ruining our CD.  We left without the pictures.  That was the first flop of the day.  Next we went in search of three Willow Tree Healing Angels.  I looked the night before for something to get the three nurses that were special to us.  I knew as soon as I saw it online that this is what we had to get.  The angel of healing is meant for nurses.  Perfect!  But what makes it even more perfect is that she is holding a little bird.  The girls' nursery was done in birds.  I just had to get the angels.   The first store we tried downtown is no longer even open.  Great!  So my mom drives me to the local mall.  I really didn't want to have to get out in the mall with lots of people, but my mom parked at the entrance that is a straight shot to the store.  Of course, no one keeps three of one item in a store.  I was able to get one and the clerk directed me to a store in the mall that would have another one.  Of course, this store was clear across the other side of the mall.  Walking across the mall, I felt like every perfect stranger was staring at me.  That is the feeling that I get around people now.  I feel like everyone is staring at me and feeling sorry for me.  I make the long walk to the other side of the mall, stand in line for 10 minutes and fitting to the day, they don't have the one that I need.  I have to make the long, awkward treck back across the mall without anything to show for it.  I ended the outing finding one more angel and being told that she was glad I finally got out.  Needless to say, I am not making plans to go anywhere else until I can drive myself.  I feel like I can't control anything else, it would just be nice to control the car I am in.